How to Talk About the Big Stuff in Your Relationship Even If You’re Scared

Jun 25, 2022
Couple seated on a platform bed sipping tea and talking.

~ 3 minute read time ~

Focus on Changing the Rules (Wait, Joli, I thought you weren’t into rules?)


Talking about the big stuff with your partner brings a great opportunity to change the rules in your relationship. Although I don’t love rules-based relationships, most of us already have an idea of love that comes with a certain set of expectations. In a sense, we already “know the rules” that keep us locked in a pattern. This pattern may not be satisfying to us anymore.


Set-in-stone rules can make your relationship more rigid and can limit the ways that you and your partner get satisfaction! This is why it’s so important to get creative in your relationship.


Whether you want to make the switch from monogamous to consensually non-monogamous or you want to get creative within your monogamous relationship, it’s important to bring your expectations and unspoken relationship rules to the surface. That way, you can begin to change the foundation of your relationship.


Use Trust as the Foundation for Renegotiating Your Relationship


Trust should always be the foundation of your relationship. Having trust will allow you to roll with the punches and approach new changes with ease and faith. To establish trust as the foundation of your relationship, I recommend doing two things:


1. Use graduated risk


Yes, exiting the safe zone of your relationship will allow you to build trust, but jumping into the deep end isn’t necessarily the way to go right away.


Instead, use graduated risk and ask yourself: What’s the smallest new thing we could try?


For example, a client I have who’s in a consensually non-monogamous relationship has trouble trusting if her partner will be loyal while he’s out on other dates. One great initial change for them was for him to text her when he’s leaving the date instead of setting a particular time of arrival to begin with.


She’s also made his date nights a time to make art! This helps her enjoy the present moment without having to watch the clock and worry while he’s out.


2. Celebrate


Acknowledge when things are going well! For instance, when my client’s partner texts her to let her know that he’s leaving the date, they build an even deeper trust with one another. This is a moment worth celebrating. In fact, any new pattern is worth celebrating!


Communicate Openly– It’s Time to Get Brave


Just communicating with your partner alone will build trust! Remember to listen to one another without judging or feeling the need to implement the desired changes immediately. Rushing to an immediate solution isn’t necessary!


Communicate openly throughout the process of change. The line of communication doesn’t start and end with this one conversation; it’s a process of breaking multiple patterns and communicating your desires!


For instance, you may want to travel solo, explore self-touch on your own time, or experience deeper friendships with others. No matter what your desire is, communicate it clearly with your partner and don’t feel the need to rush to a solution right away.


Remember, if this conversation is awkward, that’s a GOOD SIGN! You’re breaking out of the rut that you’ve been stuck in, and you’re trying something new!

Use Your Imagination!

Imagine the possibilities with your partner! What you can imagine is what you can begin to move toward.


You don’t have to rush into action. First, explore your new relationship ideas by fantasizing a bit. Out loud. Together. 


Big feelings might come up and that’s a good thing. Where you feel triggered, sensitive, or scared… those are the exact places to lean in and share what you are worried about, even if it doesn’t “make sense”. 


You might find that some things are only fun in your imagination for now and you don’t want to make them a physical reality yet—cool. Can you incorporate them into your erotic life together in other creative ways? Can you work on stretching your window of tolerance around your sensitive spots? Do you want to? 


Create a game plan and imagine a positive outcome in the future. This is a crucial part of trusting your relationship and planning that amazing outcome!


Having open conversations with your partner won’t always be simple and easy. If you’re interested in my advice and guidance throughout your journey, apply to work with me here!

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