Dealing with Resentment in Non-Monogamous Relationships
Jul 06, 2024
5 minute read
When Relationship Desires Clash
As a depth psychologist specializing in non-monogamy, one of the most common questions I receive is, "How do I deal with the resentment I feel because my partner wants a different relationship style than I really want?" This is a heavy question that strikes at the heart of what it means to want something that is structurally incompatible with a partner's desires.
Structural Incompatibility in Relationships
Structural incompatibility can manifest in various ways, such as:
- When one person wants monogamy and the other wants an open relationship
- When both partners want non-monogamy but have different visions (e.g., swinging vs. polyamory)
- When both partners are monogamous but have different expectations and needs within that structure
In my own life, I've witnessed how these mismatches can lead to resentment, particularly when it comes to sexual needs. If your partner is your only source of sexual connection, and they're not open to non-monogamy, it can be a tricky situation that requires deep self-reflection and honest communication.
Taking Responsibility for Resentment
The key to addressing resentment is taking responsibility for your own feelings. Resentment often stems from a sense of entitlement or the belief that your partner owes you something. However, it's crucial to recognize your partner's autonomy and avoid falling into the trap of thinking you're owed sex or a particular relationship structure.
Building a Culture of Open Communication
To prevent resentment from building up, it's essential to create a micro-culture within your relationship where it's safe to discuss your wants and needs. This may require the support of a third party, such as a sex therapist or a professional experienced in non-monogamy.
When seeking help, ensure that your therapist or counselor is well-versed in the nuances of non-monogamous relationships. Relying on a professional who only has experience with monogamy may not provide the balanced perspective you need.
Resentment Prevention Strategies
Regular check-ins: Schedule frequent relationship check-ins to discuss any budding resentments or concerns. These can be as brief as 3-5 minutes daily or longer, more in-depth conversations.
Naming the issue: When you notice resentment starting to build, name it. Even if you can't address the entire problem immediately, acknowledging it can prevent it from festering.
Cultivating gratitude: Actively nurturing gratitude in your relationship can help balance out any negative feelings. When your gratitude "bucket" is full, it's easier to empty the resentment "bucket."
Compromising on actions, not being: While compromising your core self is never advisable, be open to compromising on specific actions or behaviors to find common ground with your partner.
Embracing Personal Growth in Relationships
In my own marriage, my partner and I have consented to treat our relationship as a territory for intentional growth, both as individuals and as a couple. This commitment to each other's development is a powerful resentment prevention tool. By focusing on the ways we support and show up for one another, we can more easily let go of the small annoyances and differences that might otherwise lead to resentment.
Navigating Mismatched Desires with Empathy and Openness
Dealing with resentment in non-monogamous relationships, or any relationship where desires don't perfectly align, requires a combination of self-reflection, open communication, and a willingness to compromise. By taking responsibility for your own feelings, seeking support when needed, and actively cultivating gratitude, you can navigate the challenges of mismatched relationship desires with greater ease and understanding. If you have a predisposition to people-please, you may find that naming a desire difference brings up big feelings of guilt. But managing your guilt is something you can work of for your sake that will also lead to increases in your relationship satisfaction.
Remember, resentment is a complex emotion that deserves time and attention. Don't hesitate to reach out for help from a qualified professional or to initiate honest conversations with your partner. With patience, empathy, and a commitment to personal growth, you can prevent resentment from undermining your relationships and find a path forward that works for everyone involved.
Explore how you can work with resentment in Playing with Fire episode 159. We’re discussing strategies for handling this challenging situation in a way that deepens your relationship with your Self and your partner/s.
Episode 159 Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated, and may contain some errors.
Joli Hamilton
We're gonna do some q&a, can I get asked a ton of questions, and I love the idea of being able to answer every single one of them individually. It's not actually possible at this point. But I've been keeping a list of questions that are posed to me through social media through like people who are emailing off of podcasts. Let's dig in. And yeah, what's on your mind today? Well, the first one is, well, it sounds. It sounds like it's about resentment. But we'll see whether it actually is okay. The question is, how do I deal with the resentment I feel? Because my partner wants a different relationship style than I really want. Okay. And the person posed the question beautifully, because they took responsibility for the fact that they're feeling resentment. And it's, that can be a hard thing to take responsibility for. For some people, they were taking responsibility and saying, I want to work with the resentment. But I mean, this is a it's a lot, it's a heavy question to deal with what it is to want something that is structurally incompatible with a partner.
Ken Hamilton
Yeah, it's one thing to have different wants. Because we do like different
Joli Hamilton
ones as in different intensities of a particular activity, or different amounts or something. Or different flavors of ice cream,
Ken Hamilton
and bright and there are things that I want to do that you don't want to do. Yeah, sharklet and vice versa,
Joli Hamilton
cause a problem. So you go to Costco and I don't want I just don't want to so it's fine. Have fun.
Ken Hamilton
But then the structure or the structure of our relationship. Yeah, that's a different kettle
Joli Hamilton
of fish. Right. So one of the one of the ways this comes up is when one person wants monogamy, and another person wants an open relationship structure. But this can also show up when somebody wants like, I want to do my non monogamy in this way. Like I want us to swing I want us to go to parties together always play together somebody else's like actually, I'm really more into building deeper relationships with other people. I'm looking for polyamory, I'm looking for relationship anarchy I'm looking for. Those are two very different ways to want this. And another place that this can show up is, well, maybe we're both okay with monogamy, but maybe our imaginations of what that means are pretty different.
Ken Hamilton
Okay, yeah, that's a big one, right? And that one can produce plenty of resentment. Right.
Joli Hamilton
So like, one of the ways I and I know this played out for you is being in a monogamous relationship. You weren't in a monogamous relationship, but you were in a relationship where you were going through the whole, like, early childhood rearing years and your partner had a partner, but you didn't have access to anyone. And I know, you didn't want to upset the applecart you didn't want to like cause any extra trouble or put any extra stress on. So you were trying to get your sexual needs met in a relationship that didn't really have space for your sexual needs, monogamy, or any sort of situation where we feel like, Hey, you're my only resource, your sexual connection that can bring in a really interesting piece of the resentment puzzle. Because if you are my only source of sexual outlet, what does that mean? Like? Surely it doesn't mean that that person is obligated to provide me with sex, it can't think that we have a word for that. It's rape. That's not cool. Like no, I do not. That is not I do not consent. Table condoning that. However, it calls into question what it means then, to feel like you are building up resentment because someone else controls whether you get to have partnered sex. Yeah, because they're also saying I'm not open to opening. And so now what, that's a tricky situation. So I like that this question starts with what do I do with my resentment? Because that actually feels like a more practical issue right off the bat. Because if you've already had the Hey, could we open up conversations and gotten to know and accepted that answer as Yeah. Okay. I got to know. You don't have to like the answer to decide. Yeah, but I like my life. So I'm gonna accept that answer. No. Personally, when I posited that to my first husband, and he said, No, I was like, Okay, then. The thing is, we don't match up anymore. Like we just don't this
Ken Hamilton
is that that's one of your goals. trouble for as an autonomous person? Yeah, yeah.
Joli Hamilton
But you found yourself in a situation where you I remember you talking about how your you felt the the level of control that another person had over your sex life. You felt it was almost normal. Like it just seemed like that's the normal story like your your guy socialized as a man. And it I remember your stories being like yeah, I guess Yeah, she does get to control that. And that was before you'd gone through a lot of sex education and yeah, right you had it wasn't a deeply reflective place but I saw you take responsibility for that resentment build up in some ways. I saw you take responsibility in it that I I never witnessed you in any way or or even since witnessed you acting as though you were owed sacks from this person. And that's a big deal. Because if I if I think someone owes me something, yeah, right. It's really easy for me to get resentful. Right? If resentment is this buildup of hostility, because because I was I didn't get my due. Right. Yeah, that's different than Oh, I don't have this thing. And, or whatever, that I'm mad, whatever. I like, I don't like this. Yep. But not because they're harming me. Now it becomes like, I have a sad, I have feelings about this. That's different than you owe me. So
Ken Hamilton
that's Yeah. And you owe me, by the way is just a long way of saying entitled. So yeah, I could have I could have experienced that from the point of view of Well, we did the whole monogamous marriage thing and therefore I am entitled to sex. Now, that opens up
Joli Hamilton
your marriage story is so confusing, because you're you were like, socially monogamous. So you weren't monogamous? We're literally not monogamous for Yeah. And we're before Yeah, it's a wedding. So I think that's an it's an interesting sidebar for people to just contextually like So Ken was living in this gray zone of like, what we we are not monogamous? Like she has another partner. And also, you didn't, and the constraints of social monogamy, have no one understanding that they're that you had an open relationship, and you didn't have access to dating apps, you didn't know like, that wasn't a thing. So the only option for you was essentially to have an affair.
Ken Hamilton
Tell relationship with the whole world.
Joli Hamilton
So yeah, I just think it's yeah, I call that our only
Ken Hamilton
option was to have an affair, right? Because we we had placed ourselves in the social monogamy. I don't know what the noun is that goes with that we had placed ourselves in social monogamy. And therefore what my partner was doing was cheating.
Joli Hamilton
Except why it wasn't, but not for us from the rest
Ken Hamilton
of the world socially. Yeah. And I got phone calls about that. But
Joli Hamilton
that that builds up. And so when we talk about resentment, right, like, I could imagine you making a story out of this about, about what you are owed, because I could have done that. Yeah, and I didn't. So I see you take having taken responsibility for Hey, I don't want to get into a resentment story. I don't want to I don't want to get there. So I'm going to not start off by acting entitled to this thing. That
Ken Hamilton
is definitely true. There was I did have a certain sense of mine and my partner's autonomy. And it's like, oh, I don't actually get to say what they do. On the other hand, and I think this is important, it's very important to say, the topic was sex, and my shame, my my sexual shame because of my history, which I've been working on. But my sexual shame acted as a shield to that entitlement. Because in order to act entitled about sex, I would have had to take responsibility for wanting it. And my shame said no, so I didn't. So I could come out of this looking like a really good guy who's like, No, you know, I'm not owed anything. And we're autonomous people. And, you know, I'm just No, or it could be Well, I would really like to complain, but then I would have to say, I want sex. And I don't want to do that. The two things I do.
Joli Hamilton
And so the other big thing that comes up for me when I hear somebody needing to deal with that resentment is how have you actually built a culture of micro culture in your relationship, where it's okay for you to talk about what you want, right? Because of course you're building up resentment If what you're doing is actually responding to the subtleties, the nuances. So let's say it's about sex. Did you actually ask your partner to address your sexual needs with you in a collaborative environment?
Ken Hamilton
Not in any effective way? Or did you? Did you just
Joli Hamilton
do the thing where like, you put your hand on her hip, while you're like, while you're getting ready for bed? And that's supposed to signal and then like, if she responds in a certain way, then you know, you get to make the next move. But if she doesn't respond in that way, then you know, you have to put your hands back to yourself. Was it more like that second one?
Ken Hamilton
You've seen this movie, have you? Yeah. And,
Joli Hamilton
and even sexual patterns? Yeah. And a lot of them are way too subtle. Yeah,
Ken Hamilton
way too. Because yeah, there weren't even the word it wasn't even so, you know, hey, so you want to? Because then they would have said no, or could have said no. And then I would have had to hear no, and blah, blah, blah, blah. So you said something that was one of the first things I thought of when you said, you know, how do I deal with the resentment? My understanding of what to do with resentment, like first first move, let's talk about it, make it visible, and have the conversation with the person that you're starting to build resentment with and talk about it.
Joli Hamilton
And that may require shifting the the climate, yes, in your relationships. So you may need third third party support. Yeah, we'll bring this up and make,
Ken Hamilton
I mean, we shouldn't have to do all of this alone. By the way, that's
Joli Hamilton
what sex therapy is for. So it's a great idea to think about, can we actually, like is the is the are the set of tools and the communication structure of our relationship currently? Is it able to handle us starting to have a conversation? Resentment prevention is best done when we're picking up a five pound weight. When we start picking up a 50 pound weight or a 500 pound weight? We're probably going to need an assist, right? Like resentment prevention comes up well, when? Okay, so things I'm feeling resentful about my partner not wanting sex or not wanting non monogamy like I've been, I've been feeling some some ache about this for a few weeks. If we start getting past a few weeks, yeah, it gets because remember, you didn't notice it, the moment it showed up. Resentment is one of those sneaky emotions that we tend to feel a little shame about or, or entitlements, we don't even notice that it's resentment at first. And so we tend to shove it back down into the unconscious. So you probably didn't notice it when it first appeared. So I would encourage anyone who's struggling with this, to see how resentment is one of those things, resentment turns into contempt. Contempt breaks people up and not in pretty ways it contempt. Yeah, turns into acrimony. So this is a time to seek support. And if this isn't about whether you you know, want sex or if it's more about relationship structure, then that's a good question to bring to someone who is skilled, in conversations about multiple relationship structures. So when somebody is seeking out sex therapy, and they're in a monogamous container, I would recommend someone find in a sec certified sex therapist, you can go to the ACE act, website aaasect.org. And you can look for professional but if you are experiencing a desire for non monogamy, and your partner doesn't want that, and you go to a person whose basis and background is only monogamy, it is quite likely that you're not going to get to have like a balanced conversation about hey, these are both reasonable choices. And we need to find out whether when there's either common ground, and maybe we can negotiate about this or whether Wow, this actually means this is a this is a deal breaker for both of you and we need to move on or whether we need to get creative and figure out if there is some creative version that still has enough exclusivity and enough expansivity but the person you're seeking help from needs to actually understand at a deep level, the options and vocabulary around non monogamy and that is not everyone. It is by far not everyone so I would just be cautious to over rely on a therapist who might be great at the things they do. But if this is outside of their wheelhouse, that's why I mean that's why I specialize I specialize because it is it is too vast a topic or like relationships on their own, let alone sexuality, too vast a topic for everybody to be an expert in everything. So make sure you ask the right question. Since asked if this person if this support person can, has already sought out information, and already and even better if they're already a part of a non monogamous training program or the non monogamous community themselves. And, you know, all that said, the other big thing that comes up for me when I think about resentment prevention is, if you're talking about if you created a culture where you can talk about things, and you are willing to have those, those conversations, are you having them regularly enough? A lot of people say, Yeah, we're great at communicating. And they are, but they wait to communicate until there's a problem. Oh,
Ken Hamilton
yeah, right. And resentment builds up to a problem. And this is that five pounds, 50 pound weight thing,
Joli Hamilton
right? So scheduling in some regular relationship check ins, so that you are opening up a space to talk about things that are causing outages. And I mean, this can be as frequently as every single night. I mean, at least once a day, you and I do a check in. That's it's it's you know, the length of a stand up meeting for our software engineers one anyway. It's yeah, yeah, a well held one. Well, it's, you know, three to 15 minutes, and most of them are probably on the order of three to five minutes where we're just talking about, like, what's coming up? Is there something I can support you in? What do you need to get through the day, and that's an opportunities to name the fake name, the booboo name, the hurt, name, the pain, name, the concern, you might not be able to take on the whole thing. But if you've named it, now you can you can build that into your schedule so that you can actually have the bigger conversation. But naming it right when it's starting to come up is a good way to keep an eye on that resentment built up. Yep.
Ken Hamilton
So that talking that that conversation, there's an aspect of it, that so you and I talk about these things frequently. And one of the reasons we can do that so well is because in addition to the the culture of talking about things, is a culture of acceptance of talking about. And I don't want to say this too strongly problems. They're not always problems. Like they're just hiccups, sometimes sometimes their problems, but it's a culture of accepting that feedback, because it's one thing to have conversations every day. But that could actually produce resentment. If, unless everybody's on board for having those conversations. So there's another Yep. Culture of conversation and a culture of acceptance. Yeah,
Joli Hamilton
yeah, that that's a great point to make. You know, in my first marriage, having a daily check in actually probably would have landed. Okay, but having the long relationship meetings that you and I have the ones that go on for a couple of hours, because we're deep diving into stuff. Yeah, I don't think that would have worked. I tried doing that a few times. And, yeah, the person I was married to didn't have the bandwidth for that. And I've had partners since who, they'll have long conversations, but they don't want to use the relationship as a psychological growth ground, right. And you got to get consent for that. I feel very lucky to be in a relationship with you. Because you have consented to treat our relationship as this territory where we intentionally seek growth for our individuality as well as our togetherness. And that in itself is what prevents resentment. I mean, you do all kinds of things that piss me off, and you have all kinds of differences for me that annoy me, that could build into resentment. But because we're committed to each other's growth at core, a lot of that goes, it just goes it goes into a potential resentment bucket and then flows right back out. Because it is balanced with this immense gratitude for all the ways you do show up that Yeah, I mean, it's not then it's not about oh, don't do this thing. Or don't want this thing. It's about you know what, I see you wanting this thing I see you having this need that maybe I don't feel like meaning but wow, you meet me with so much. Okay. Yeah, I mean, this is, you know, I usually say don't compromise in relationships. And what I mean is don't compromise your being. Yeah, but yes, you may have to compromise on what you actually do. If we're only getting one container of ice cream. God I hope you're compromising I really hope you
Ken Hamilton
Well, that's interesting. So now I'm picturing there's this resentment bucket, which are our goal of, you know, continuously or whatever the word is going in there and clearing it out as best we can, having the conversations bring to light the hill. And then at the other end of the seesaw is the gratitude bucket that we're trying to fill up so that the resentment bucket is easier to empty. When the gratitude bucket is more full. That
Joli Hamilton
that rings true to me. And I think about the ways that we have built gratitude into our relationship. And you know, somebody who was seeing last year had a really high like, high up, there was a high gratitude level it did it made relating so much easier, so much easier it when someone is deeply in gratitude, not just for the things I'm showing up and doing but just for, like, the world, like just for being like, grateful for the food on their plate, grateful for the experiences we had together. It it built a again added to the micro culture of like, what is this relating? What is this relationship we're building? It was built on this foundation of like, Yeah, wow. Wow, I feel that deep gratitude, and that made it easier to deal with the fact that Yeah, we didn't he and I did not see eye to eye on a lot of things. But there was something to build on from there.
Ken Hamilton
Anything else you want to add to this question before we wrap it up?
Joli Hamilton
I know, I think this is another one that resentment could I keep thinking something like resentment can be talked about concisely but I think 20 minutes is about as concise as I can. Thanks again.
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